My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
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I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️