Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack