When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup