A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
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If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf