Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
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the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.