8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
even bears disappoint their mothers
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Buck naked