Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
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*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!