Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
this could fix me
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good