Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
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Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My patronus is a cheeseburger
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle