My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
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Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
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If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.