🤦🏻♀️😂😂
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I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted