Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”