According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.