Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
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me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.