*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*