I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Hot hot hot 🥵
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.