Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
every college guy’s fridge
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.