Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?