Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
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Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
*puts words between two asterisks*
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.