I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
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Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective