Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
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Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
first you must answer his riddles
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.