I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Me irl
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*