Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
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I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house