I’m aging like a fine banana
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Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Every BBC series about the universe.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.