Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.