FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
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Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Imma just leave this here…………
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.