I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.