I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.