People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Twitter fine art
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.