You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Grandmother clock.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN