Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.