Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
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My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.