[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.