honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
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Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I have so many questions.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
School be like
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not