Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease