Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
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I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
it must be school picture day
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine