[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
This classic never gets old . . .
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*