I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?