[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
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7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Guilty! 🤪
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin