[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
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Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭