[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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It’s a gift
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Whoa… oh I see lol
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.