Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.