Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
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excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
who wants to go expliring
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …