I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium