I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Quadruple digit IQ
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.