One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
You Might Also Like
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
God, I love Scotland
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Worst bar ever.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*