Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
😆this is so true
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
technically true but not a great slogan
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.