The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
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YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
That de-escalated quickly
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?