everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
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[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.