peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
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Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I just love that new Pope smell.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.